Showing posts with label Notes from the Porch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Notes from the Porch. Show all posts
7 years ago today, on July 7th, 2018, my precious daddy with shaking hands snapped this blurry picture of me “running” as he wept. It may have only been approx. 20 feet but for my dad who had fought so hard for my life it was a priceless moment and beyond that a miracle.
It was amazing to think that 5 years prior to this picture/moment he needed to help carry me out of my bed in order for me to leave it, push a wheelchair at points in the health journey, and help me for a couple of years when I was to weak to walk down the hallway of our home to get to the bathroom, and then help me learn to walk again.
I am so thankful that my dad got to see those huge beginning steps of healing before he died...I remember breathing so hard when this picture was taken I could hardly catch my breath after 20 feet. Without missing a beat, he grabbed me in one of his huge hugs and said confidently “one day you’ll make it to the point walking/running”...I laughed (it’s a mile away and I spent the next couple of days in bed recuperating from my “run”) but he was serious and said he would be cheering me on...and this weekend…7 years later and 9 years after getting Courtney the Portney, for extreme and more intensive treatment (then I have often talked about) I completed a now daily 3-4 mile walk/run as I train for a 1/2 marathon and afterwards went for a hike among many other fun activities and adventures with no recuperation…only gratitude. After my run on Saturday a neighbor grabbed me for a hug with tears and said, “I remember you barely able to take a step… your dad would be so happy.”
I have fallen in love with learning to run again and all I can think is “thank you, thank you, thank you”.
For a girl who was told by some of the most well known medical doctors and hospitals in the world that I would never walk again let alone run or dance again, I want to say there is always hope.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you something can’t be done. It may take WAY longer than you could imagine (it was a more than a decade long battle for me) but don’t ever lose hope.
It was amazing to think that 5 years prior to this picture/moment he needed to help carry me out of my bed in order for me to leave it, push a wheelchair at points in the health journey, and help me for a couple of years when I was to weak to walk down the hallway of our home to get to the bathroom, and then help me learn to walk again.
I am so thankful that my dad got to see those huge beginning steps of healing before he died...I remember breathing so hard when this picture was taken I could hardly catch my breath after 20 feet. Without missing a beat, he grabbed me in one of his huge hugs and said confidently “one day you’ll make it to the point walking/running”...I laughed (it’s a mile away and I spent the next couple of days in bed recuperating from my “run”) but he was serious and said he would be cheering me on...and this weekend…7 years later and 9 years after getting Courtney the Portney, for extreme and more intensive treatment (then I have often talked about) I completed a now daily 3-4 mile walk/run as I train for a 1/2 marathon and afterwards went for a hike among many other fun activities and adventures with no recuperation…only gratitude. After my run on Saturday a neighbor grabbed me for a hug with tears and said, “I remember you barely able to take a step… your dad would be so happy.”
I have fallen in love with learning to run again and all I can think is “thank you, thank you, thank you”.
For a girl who was told by some of the most well known medical doctors and hospitals in the world that I would never walk again let alone run or dance again, I want to say there is always hope.
Don’t let anyone ever tell you something can’t be done. It may take WAY longer than you could imagine (it was a more than a decade long battle for me) but don’t ever lose hope.
Miracles happen every single day...I am living proof and I know my precious daddy is cheering me on with a huge smile.
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.jpg "a humbling update about courtney the portney")
First, I apologize for the delayed response to so many of you when I posted the above picture on Wednesday… I have been processing some deep news…
I have sat in this waiting room and sections of this hospital for more than 9 years… and in this specific area there has always been an air of holding one’s breath… what will a scan show? What will the results be? So many questions… and specifically for me Wednesday held some very important appointments that I appreciated your prayers for. It is with gratitude, humility, and tears of joy that an end to a long season is truly coming to an end. I am so grateful to announce that in the upcoming months #courtneytheportney will be removed as she is truly NO longer needed.
Having this port truly saved my life. Having the discussion to have it removed was a beautiful emotional experience filled with so much thanksgiving and gratitude.
To be at this stage of life… is a gift that leaves me speechless… especially when at one point I had doctors from some of the most well known medical clinics/hospitals tell me that there was no hope for life, walking again or eating normally (without a feeding tube)… I am truly grateful every single day.
I KNOW that this can be triggering to some of you walking through battles for yourself and loved ones. I am so sorry if this is anything that causes pain… some of me hesitated to share… I am walking with someone through a very difficult health issue and right now those miracles are not coming yet and it has been incredibly painful…. So if that is you… please know my heart is so sorry for your pain.
I also humbly remember so many of you who have been walking this journey with me for 12 incredibly long years. To each of you who have faithfully prayed over the years, stood by me & my family in this journey, donated to numerous financial go fund me campaigns, to the nurses at UVM - “Courtney” & I weep with gratitude. To the letters, emails, texts, & “just the right” words at the right time, the list is never ending & to each of my doctors and to my main medical team all of y'all - I love you...Dr.J... I am indebted forever for you helping save my life. Thank you.
Thank you for rejoicing in this new season, for your continued prayers for me & my health.
If you are in the midst of a health battle… I hope this encourages you to keep pressing forward… I am cheering you on today!!
"The people who survived the wars have found favor in the desert. The Lord said, "I love you with an everlasting love...once again I will build you up & you will be rebuilt my dear people...once again you will take your tambourines & you will go dancing with happy people...once again you will plant...I will satisfy you with abundance"
//Jeremiah 31//
I have sat in this waiting room and sections of this hospital for more than 9 years… and in this specific area there has always been an air of holding one’s breath… what will a scan show? What will the results be? So many questions… and specifically for me Wednesday held some very important appointments that I appreciated your prayers for. It is with gratitude, humility, and tears of joy that an end to a long season is truly coming to an end. I am so grateful to announce that in the upcoming months #courtneytheportney will be removed as she is truly NO longer needed.
Having this port truly saved my life. Having the discussion to have it removed was a beautiful emotional experience filled with so much thanksgiving and gratitude.
To be at this stage of life… is a gift that leaves me speechless… especially when at one point I had doctors from some of the most well known medical clinics/hospitals tell me that there was no hope for life, walking again or eating normally (without a feeding tube)… I am truly grateful every single day.
I KNOW that this can be triggering to some of you walking through battles for yourself and loved ones. I am so sorry if this is anything that causes pain… some of me hesitated to share… I am walking with someone through a very difficult health issue and right now those miracles are not coming yet and it has been incredibly painful…. So if that is you… please know my heart is so sorry for your pain.
I also humbly remember so many of you who have been walking this journey with me for 12 incredibly long years. To each of you who have faithfully prayed over the years, stood by me & my family in this journey, donated to numerous financial go fund me campaigns, to the nurses at UVM - “Courtney” & I weep with gratitude. To the letters, emails, texts, & “just the right” words at the right time, the list is never ending & to each of my doctors and to my main medical team all of y'all - I love you...Dr.J... I am indebted forever for you helping save my life. Thank you.
Thank you for rejoicing in this new season, for your continued prayers for me & my health.
If you are in the midst of a health battle… I hope this encourages you to keep pressing forward… I am cheering you on today!!
"The people who survived the wars have found favor in the desert. The Lord said, "I love you with an everlasting love...once again I will build you up & you will be rebuilt my dear people...once again you will take your tambourines & you will go dancing with happy people...once again you will plant...I will satisfy you with abundance"
//Jeremiah 31//
Happy Thursday friends! Today I wanted to say a quick note of thanks for all who were praying for my iron infusion yesterday. The day was absolutely gorgeous on the ferry crossing on the way to the hospital (picture above).
If you have been around the blog or know my health journey (click HERE to read more) then you know that I struggle with severe iron deficiency which is treated through routine iron infusions. In 2023, due to a shortage of the type of iron that my body specifically responds well with, I tried a different type of iron infusion (something that has happened over my health journey- but never this specific one) and had a very difficult reaction that lasted for nearly 9 months throughout 2023-2024.
Even though I knew that this treatment infusion would be the kind of iron that my body does well with, I still struggled up to yesterday due to the extreme difficulties and pain of those 9 months. I have never spoken on the blog about medical ptsd or sometimes these emotionally medically hard things to do for various reasons, but I know that many of you struggle with these things and I want you to know that I see you. I am so grateful for all of your prayers, the encouragement of those who have walked this path before, and the listening and supportive ears of so many. Sometimes walking the hallways of a hospital that holds so many different emotions is the most courageous thing that you can do.
I have walked the halls of this hospital specifically for nearly 9 years and yet, as some of you are aware... this is now a triggering situation for me. These hospital hallways and rooms have held some of the most wonderful moments of fantastic news regarding my health and some loved ones and then some devastating news in the lowest times and the loss of friends.
For me, yesterday, to walk back into this hospital was emotionally difficult to get an iron infusion again, even though I knew how important it is for my body. As I walked these hallways I looked around and wondered at the stories of those who were passing me. Were they walking courageously towards a treatment? Were they walking the hallways worried about a loved one? These questions made me stop and really just start focusing on the stories of so many people in those hallways and pray for them as I walked.
When I arrived into the treatment area I felt so ready (due to so many prayers I am sure!) to take this on and honestly every moment was filled with so many blessings and grace. Mom was able to be in the room with me and stayed the whole time after her own infusion which was the biggest blessing. The medical assistant that took me to the room was kind and gracious, brought the most lovely warm blankets and got ice (haha- y'all know my love of ice). I was so grateful for being able to see a dear friend and have laughter and a wonderful nurse who was incredible. Their calmness, laughter, and help just makes for a supportive experience that is impossible to explain. It is priceless.
This specific iron requires a test dose first (even if you have had it before) and then after an observation period you receive the full dose of iron.
Overall the infusion went well... I was able to work (Eating ice of course *smiles*- thank you Sue!) and was able to finish the infusion in a shorter amount of time then originally planned. For those who are not familiar, some iron infusions are quick and others, like the one I need to have, take lots and lots of hours (depending on a number of factors). After getting home yesterday I went to bed very early and this morning am feeling okay all things considered.
Thank you so much for your continued prayers for there to be no delayed reaction and all of your support and love! Happy Thursday friends!
From the archives...
With Caravan Sonnet turning 11 years old this past year, it is amazing to look back and see all of the things that have taken place during that time. This year, I am re-sharing some of my favorite posts from the 2014 year... it is hard to believe that it is ten years ago. 10 years... a decade...
This post, show up in hope (originally posted in August 2014) has hit me deeply this month... although the circumstances are different- my health is stable and I am healed... I am in a very difficult and private waiting season for several specific areas in life... this post has encouraged me and I pray it will encourage you also today.
Original Post- posted August 4, 2014
Eight and a half years ago I was the recipient of a miracle from the
Lord in the form of healing from what I was told was an incurable disease. After
struggling for years in physical pain and begging the Lord for mercy when the
medical community gave no hope the Lord performed a miracle. Family and friends
cheered joyously as they witnessed their prayers answered. Doctors shook their
heads in amazement when the healing happened muttering, “it must be something
higher that healed you”. People responded with encouragement over my faith and proclaimed the Lord's power. It is a story of joyous victory and of good triumphing
over evil. It is a story that rings with hope in a God who still performs
miracles and of a God who is triumphant over illnesses after “the experts” have
given up hope. It is a story that people love to hear, and one that I have
loved to share over the years. It is a story that makes me well up with tears
at the goodness of the Lord and stand in awe of what He did eight and a half years ago.
But the truth is that I am living a much different story today. I have shared some of it here on the blog but there are many parts that have remained in private. To be truthful the life that
I live now shattered midst ordinary days five years ago when my ex-fiancé
walked out of our relationship a mere five months before we were to be married with no warning. Since then in these past five years my life has crumbled bit by bit by one circumstance to another to finally being diagnosed with Cancer, Advanced Late Stage Lyme disease, an environmental illness and
several other diagnosis'. The combination of the diseases’ listed has
severely affected my life and began one of the most difficult fights of my
life. But while my life shattered my faith in my precious Lord, who is the God of HOPE, has not.
The recovery is long and instead of a planned out future, I am left with
more questions than answers. My aching longings for the future of being married
and being a mom has been placed on hold and instead of my dreams I am left with
questions of life, value, and the God that I so desperately adore. In my little mind it is not the story that shouts the triumph of a
powerful God as I expected the same ending of miraculous healing of eight and a half years
ago. It is not a story that we love to hear, but in this broken world it is a
story that many people live.
We all need to hear the stories of miraculous conquering and
healing to spur us on in hope. These are the stories that scream to us from the
pages of the Bible and the stories that we are quick to reference when bad news
comes to a loved one. But there is a much quieter and powerful story that is
also found deep in the pages of scripture. It is a story of showing up with
hope in the ordinary days lived among the miraculous and victories. It is the
story of living with anticipation that the Lord is still at work when we most
feel He is absent. It is a story that drives us closer to the heart of God as we cry out to Him. I have learned to fall in love with the God who I know does miracles. I have also fallen passionately in love with this same God who has the power to do miracles and sometimes says wait.
"He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow." There are beautiful examples of this in the Bible. One of those is the story of the women who bled for
twelve years from Luke chapter eight. It is a beautiful story of a woman who
must have spent everything that she owned on doctors who had not been able to
help her and yet she still showed up to meet Jesus. With no promise that Jesus
would do anything she pushes her way through the “crowds that almost crushed
Him” and reaches out her hand in desperation and the hope that Jesus could not
only heal but that He would show up.
Friends, if you are struggling through the dark night of
suffering I urge you to hold fast to the story of the woman who was ill and
find hope in the story of the Israelites. Just like that woman, we see in the
book of Exodus that the Israelites held on to the hope that God was still at
work. As they limped out from under the hard yoke of slavery they carried their
tambourines through the long trek of the desert believing that there would
still be a song yet to sing. They didn’t know when the song would come, but
like the woman they pushed through and held onto hope that God would show up.
Despite the fact they had no assurances or promises of what their future would
look like, they walked with their tambourines. They were fully prepared for the celebration that they did not yet have a
time frame for. The celebration that only lay hidden in their hearts as they
walked mile after mile in the desert. The same hope of celebration that the
woman who bled for twelve years was also expecting as she reached out her hand
for Jesus’ cloak.
Dear friends, what about you? Are you ready to show up in Hope? I
have friends who are scattered around the world serving AIDS victims in Africa, fighting for the freedoms of those in the Middle East and some holding crying orphans in the heart of Haiti . Maybe you are like them and
can venture to far off countries to rescue those that the world has abandoned.
Or maybe you can quietly and powerfully write your story by showing up, and
learning like I am to take one day at a time, find beauty in the ordinary, and minister to those that the
world has forgotten. Either way we
can all come to the cross and take His love into our worlds- no matter how big
or small that might seem. Either way we can show up and rejoice that He is going to answer as we step out in
faith and cry out to Him. All we need to do is be ready to rejoice, reach out
for His garments, carry our tambourines, and show up in Hope.
It has been a really humbling wonderful couple of days for me. I hope that you had a wonderful Monday, yesterday I had lab work done and blood work done and check up on things. It was humbling to get lab work back that is in the normal range. I honestly just had tears in the car. It was YEARS without that. My bloodwork was totally out of control. It was a scary time fighting Lyme and Cancer. To receive this news leaves me speechless.
As you know if you have been around for a long time this has been a LONG time coming. It is humbling, overwhelming, and completely leaves me speechless. As I continue to completely heal from such a long battle and continue with some treatment, it is such an encouragement to see that I am continuing to heal.
Thank you for all of your prayers and support on this journey. Your prayers over all of these years leave me completely speechless.
You can read all of the updates over these years HERE!
I just wanted to say a quick note of thanks for all who were praying for my iron infusion yesterday. As some of you know I have been struggling with severe iron deficiency symptoms and yet due to the shortage of the type of iron that my body specifically needs, this infusion was on delay until yesterday. I was grateful for all of the prayers for accessing "Courtney" after a difficult access a couple of weeks ago that left me uneasy and for the treatment itself.
I have walked the halls of this hospital specifically for more than 7 years and yet, as some of you are aware... this is now a triggering situation for me. These hospital hallways and rooms have held some of the most wonderful moments of fantastic news regarding my health and some loved ones and then some devastating news in the lowest times. I am so grateful for all of your prayers, the encouragement of those who have walked this path before, and the listening and supportive ears of so many.
Arriving up infusion was difficult as I was very apprehensive and I could feel your prayers which I am grateful for. I am also grateful for being able to see a dear friend and laughter and a wonderful set of nurses who truly change everything. Their calmness, laughter, and help just makes for a supportive experience that is impossible to explain. It is priceless.
Thankfully there were no issues with Courtney and it was a one stick day and the infusion went well!
I am so grateful to have received this iron infusion and grateful for the help that I know it will give my body. As I spoke with my doctor more about the length of time between these treatments (it has been over a year and my ferritin was at a very low spot) and advocated for a different timeframe I was grateful that my concerns were heard and that this was taken seriously. We have a good plan moving forward and I am extremely grateful for this.
Overall the infusion went well... I was able to work on my computer while I was there (Eating ice of course *smiles*- thank you Sue!) and was able to finish the infusion in a shorter amount of time then originally planned. For those who are not familiar, some iron infusions are quick and others, like the one I need to have, take lots and lots of hours (depending on a number of factors).
After getting home yesterday I slept for a while and was able to eat a tiny bit of food and this morning and am feeling okay all things considered.
Thank you so much again for your support and prayers!
It is with gratitude, humility, and tears of joy that I am overwhelmed to share a dream has come full circle on an incredibly special day. I am honored to share that I have accepted an Adjunct Lecturer position at a University! I will be teaching a Freshman US National Politics course and on Friday I signed the paperwork.
To be at this stage of healing is a gift that leaves me speechless...especially when at one point I had doctors from some of the most well-known medical clinics/hospitals in the world telling me there was no hope for life, walking again or eating normally (without a feeding tube)...to let alone that I would never be able to return to a school again in a teaching position. (One doctor called this dream "ridiculous in thinking".)
7 years ago on Friday (2nd pic) I started the "official beginning of treatment round 1" (as I "affectionately" termed it). I wasn't strong enough physically for #nicthepicc (PICC line) or #courtneytheportney (my Port)...and so I did the most intense 20 week treatment of a combination of meds plus daily shots (with my mom giving me a separate 4x a week shot that was BRUTAL). 7 years ago...I fought to make it through each day...and Friday was truly a full circle moment. I promptly wept as I walked out of the HR office on Friday...humbled at all that took place 7 years ago and in the years that followed ...and on Friday.
.
I also humbly remember so many of you who have been walking this journey with me for 10 incredibly long years. It may be me with happy tears, but to each of you who have faithfully prayed over the years, stood by me & my family in this journey, to the nurses at UVM - "Courtney" & I weep with gratitude, to those who have donated money to various go fund me campaigns over the years, to the letters, emails, texts, & "just the right" words at the right time, the list is never ending & to each of my doctors ...& to my main medical team all of y'all - I love you...Dr.J... I am indebted forever for you helping save my life. Thank you. (*crying*)
Thank you for rejoicing in this news and for being such an incredible community- seven years ago and today.
Hello, college teaching...I look forward to meeting you.
(PS- This is only for one class... so this will not be a full time job for those who are asking!)
Something that many people don't know (or is lost in the "messiness" of my health story) is that I was in the midst of obtaining an advanced degree when my health & life shattered due to Lyme. For the 1st year home I continued my studies, completing assignments, papers, and projects from my bed, doctors offices, or the hospital. Eventually this became impossible to continue due to how sick I was and the extreme treatment.
In tears (and with the sincere well wishes of the leaders of the program I was in) I made the difficult decision to withdraw from the program, in the middle of a semester in 2014. It was one more "loss" in a series of numerous "deaths" in the health journey. And it was one that I don't often talk about as it was an extremely personal painful season for this gal who loves learning.
.
For years I have dreamed about going back to school for my doctorate and the timing has just never been "right" for a variety of reasons with my health or other personal reasons. After applying to various programs this year and being accepted to a variety of different things, I was humbled to accept a place in a program that started yesterday.
10 years ago (almost to the date) I had accepted an advanced degree program position not knowing that my health would shatter and it would be another decade before starting...
9 years ago this week I was finally and correctly diagnosed with Advanced Late Stage Lyme Disease and multiple other illnesses and told that I most likely had months to live and would never see my 40th birthday because some of my organs were failing...
8 years ago this week I started with the medical team that saved my life and began the SLOW & LONG process of healing and withdrew from my studies
6 years ago (yesterday) #nicthepicc developed a serious blood clot that would cause a huge change in treatment and the introduction of #courtneytheportney
4 years ago this week I went into surgery where I was told that there was a high and probable chance that we would find out I had Cancer (again) this time stage IV as it was impossible to tell much from the size of the mass that was showing up during scans...
.
And yesterday I started the doctoral program...
To be at this stage of healing is a gift that leaves me speechless...especially when at one point I had doctors from some of the most well-known medical clinics/hospitals in the world telling me there was no hope.
I know some of you are at those places I was years ago...where the losses and "deaths" are overwhelming. I hope that sharing this part of my story is an encouragement to you. It may seem that there is no hope for these "deaths", but there is and I promise things can get better. Hold on and keep dreaming and planting your future dreams even through the tears. To each of you: may light flood your journey in new ways so the darkness disappears. You've got this!
Our story demanded that we change and so we did // donald Miller
There are some posts that you don't envision writing in this space, and yet life in its beautiful mysteries sometimes brings changes you don't expect.
Yesterday was my last day teaching. Two weeks ago some unforeseen circumstances arose and I submitted my resignation to my school and yesterday was my last day. This is due to some extremely personal reasons, but due to the overwhelming support I have received over the years in this space, I want to clarify that it has nothing to do with my past health history. I am (thankfully!!) still Lyme and Cancer Free!
But this past week and these past 48 hours have been an overwhelmingly humbling time as students poured out incredible love, kindness, support, prayers, encouragement, and gifts that has still left me beyond speechless. There are cards and words I will treasure and things that this time has taught me that I won't forget. To my students- thank you. Words fail me thank you thank you thank you.
It is with gratitude, humility, & tears of joy that I am overwhelmed to share a dream has come full circle after nearly a decade! I have returned to teaching!!
As some of you know, this summer I accepted a teaching position at a local school!! To be heading back again after NINE long & the most extremely painful years away brings a wave of various emotions with lots of thankful & overwhelming tears.
To be at this stage of healing is a gift that leaves me speechless...especially when at one point I had doctors from some of the most well-known medical clinics/hospitals in the world telling me there was no hope for life, walking again or eating normally (without a feeding tube)...to let alone that I would never be able to return to a school again in a teaching position. (One doctor called this dream "ridiculous in thinking".)
Walking into my classroom on Monday, my precious daddy's birthday, was truly a full circle moment as he fought so hard to get me to this place. I stood in my room & wept. I know he is rejoicing right now & cheering me on.
I also humbly remember so many of you who have been walking this journey with me for 9 incredibly long years. It may be me holding this sign with happy tears, but to each of you who have faithfully prayed over the years, stood by me & my family in this journey, to the nurses at UVM - "Courtney" & I weep with gratitude, to those who have donated money to various go fund me campaigns over the years, to the letters, emails, texts, & "just the right" words at the right time, the list is never ending & to each of my doctors ...& to my main medical team all of y'all - I love you...Dr.J... I am indebted forever for you helping save my life. Thank you.
Thank you for rejoicing in this new season, for your continued prayers for me & my health
"The people who survived the wars have found favor in the desert. The Lord said, "I love you with an everlasting love...once again I will build you up & you will be rebuilt my dear people...once again you will take your tambourines & you will go dancing with happy people...once again you will plant...I will satisfy you with abundance"
As some of you know, this summer I accepted a teaching position at a local school!! To be heading back again after NINE long & the most extremely painful years away brings a wave of various emotions with lots of thankful & overwhelming tears.
To be at this stage of healing is a gift that leaves me speechless...especially when at one point I had doctors from some of the most well-known medical clinics/hospitals in the world telling me there was no hope for life, walking again or eating normally (without a feeding tube)...to let alone that I would never be able to return to a school again in a teaching position. (One doctor called this dream "ridiculous in thinking".)
Walking into my classroom on Monday, my precious daddy's birthday, was truly a full circle moment as he fought so hard to get me to this place. I stood in my room & wept. I know he is rejoicing right now & cheering me on.
I also humbly remember so many of you who have been walking this journey with me for 9 incredibly long years. It may be me holding this sign with happy tears, but to each of you who have faithfully prayed over the years, stood by me & my family in this journey, to the nurses at UVM - "Courtney" & I weep with gratitude, to those who have donated money to various go fund me campaigns over the years, to the letters, emails, texts, & "just the right" words at the right time, the list is never ending & to each of my doctors ...& to my main medical team all of y'all - I love you...Dr.J... I am indebted forever for you helping save my life. Thank you.
Thank you for rejoicing in this new season, for your continued prayers for me & my health
"The people who survived the wars have found favor in the desert. The Lord said, "I love you with an everlasting love...once again I will build you up & you will be rebuilt my dear people...once again you will take your tambourines & you will go dancing with happy people...once again you will plant...I will satisfy you with abundance"
//Jeremiah 31//
As some of you know, my precious mama and I are embarking on a new adventure starting this week.
We are moving back to Tennessee after 5 years away! There will be more details to come, but for now we appreciate your prayers for us.
There are tons of details we are finishing up and I find myself in lots of tears often as we say goodbye to a place that is incredibly dear to our hearts.
Thank you for your prayers as we prepare in these final days to move, for our safety as we travel, for our hearts as we return to Tennessee after all of these years away (for the first time) without my precious daddy, and for our transition... thank you for all of your love and support.
A couple of years ago my precious daddy snapped this picture of me running as he wept. For my dad who fought for my life so hard it was a priceless moment and beyond that a miracle...
speechless and amazing to think that 6 years prior to this picture/moment he needed to carry me out of my bed in order for me to leave it, push a wheelchair at points in this journey, and help me for a couple of years when I couldn't even walk down the hallway of our home to get to the bathroom, and then help me learn to walk again.
I am so glad that my dad got to see those huge beginning steps of healing before he died...I remember breathing so hard when this picture was taken I could hardly catch my breath and he said "one day you'll make it to the point walking/running"...I laughed (it's a mile away)but he was serious and said he would be cheering me on...but this morning...two years later and four years after getting #courtneytheportney for extreme and more intensive treatment (then I have often talked about) I made it to the point.
speechless and amazing to think that 6 years prior to this picture/moment he needed to carry me out of my bed in order for me to leave it, push a wheelchair at points in this journey, and help me for a couple of years when I couldn't even walk down the hallway of our home to get to the bathroom, and then help me learn to walk again.
I am so glad that my dad got to see those huge beginning steps of healing before he died...I remember breathing so hard when this picture was taken I could hardly catch my breath and he said "one day you'll make it to the point walking/running"...I laughed (it's a mile away)but he was serious and said he would be cheering me on...but this morning...two years later and four years after getting #courtneytheportney for extreme and more intensive treatment (then I have often talked about) I made it to the point.
I have fallen in love with starting to learn to run again and all I can think is ..."thank you, thank you, thank you" to everyone who has been part of this journey. *tears*
For a girl who was told by some of the most well known medical doctors and hospitals in the world that I would never walk again let alone run (or dance again).I can't wait to revisit some of them and share the miracle.
Don't let anyone ever tell you something can't be done. It may take WAY longer than you could imagine (it was a more than a decade long battle for me) but don't ever lose hope. Miracles happen every single day...I am living proof and my precious daddy is cheering me on with a huge smile. #loveyoudaddy #takethatlyme
Happy Thursday friends! As many of you are aware, today I will undergo the second part of surgery for the kidney stones that I started to have dealt with a couple of weeks ago.
This morning I am resting as I will be leaving to check into the hospital at 12:50pm (EST) to have the surgery which is scheduled for 2:50pm. I am extremely nervous about this procedure as despite having several surgeries I do not like to be put to sleep and would covet prayers for peace and no fear.
"Tell those who are terrified, be brave and don't be afraid, your God will come... He will come and rescue you."
-Isaiah 35:4-
I am finding such comfort in the midst of the anxiety, unknown, and fear in this verse from Isaiah 35:4. I know that I am not the only one who is approaching unknowns, surgeries, scary diagnosis', and a whole host of other things in this week ahead. I wanted to share with y'all my prayer for surgery tomorrow... I hope it will be an encouragement to those of you walking a similar path...
"God, my God, you know my fearful and terrified heart and state. I am gripped by anxiety over the surgery I have to undergo. I m very much frightened of the entire procedure. Lord, your word says that you will strengthen me on my bed of illness and you will sustain me on my sickbed. Yes Lord! I trust your word and turn to you for help. Human wisdom and skill are nothing before you. So please fill the doctors who attend to me with your divine wisdom Lord so that they can perform this surgery in a perfect manner. Take all of those who assist them and everyone associated with the surgery in your hands and keep them as your instruments in bringing healing to me. While this has caught us up short and surprised us, YOU Lord are not surprised by anything. Nothing is of a surprise to you. Use this Lord to bring about healing. Use this Lord for your glory even though right now things seem dark and scary. May this situation reflect your love and goodness and showcase your love and power. Shine your light into the darkness Lord. I cling to your promises that you are always with me, wherever I go! You are already there Lord. As I am wheeled into the room, feeling alone and scared- your presence will be there to meet and to guide. You never forget the cry of the humble and needy. Lord, hold my hand tightly and grant me your peace as I move forward so that I can undergo this surgery courageously. I know you will do all of this because you are the one who perfects everything for my life. I totally and completely rest on you and thank you for always being with me and carrying me and rescuing me Lord. You are the God of miracles and we are trusting you for big miracles today."
Thank you for all of your continued prayers for me, for my mom who will be with me, and also for peace and for a successful surgery with no complications.
"He is the maker of Heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them-- He remains faithful forever."
- Psalm 146:6-
As some of you are aware (and as I shared with my instagram community), the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind as I ended up in the ER with some kidney stones two weeks ago. This was a shock as I have never had this before and the hope was that these would pass.
On Friday, after meeting with the urologist, it was decided that I would have surgery due to the size of the one particular stone. I chose the middle of February (over a school break) and the doctor agreed if we could control the pain & other symptoms.
Unfortunately on Friday night (early-early Saturday morning) I ended back up in the ER due to severe pain and it was decided that I needed surgery sooner so we prepared for that to be done immediately. The surgery has been split into two different surgeries with the first one taking place last night and the second one will be completed in the next couple of weeks.
After making such health gains, this news was a bit discouraging, but I am leaning into and trusting the Lord that He promises that all things work together for His good and that this is just a helpful step in this complete healing journey after all of these years.
I would covet your prayers and for wisdom my medical team and the surgeons as we progress forward. I also would appreciate prayer for pain relief as it is quite intense and extreme (very normal with this type of procedure). My little heart so appreciates this sweet community and all of your care and prayers.
"Tell those who are terrified, be brave and don't be afraid, your God will come... He will come and rescue you."
After making such health gains, this news was a bit discouraging, but I am leaning into and trusting the Lord that He promises that all things work together for His good and that this is just a helpful step in this complete healing journey after all of these years.
I would covet your prayers and for wisdom my medical team and the surgeons as we progress forward. I also would appreciate prayer for pain relief as it is quite intense and extreme (very normal with this type of procedure). My little heart so appreciates this sweet community and all of your care and prayers.
"Tell those who are terrified, be brave and don't be afraid, your God will come... He will come and rescue you."
-Isaiah 35:4-
It is with gratitude and humility that I am so delighted to share a new season that I embarked on this past week. I am so humbled to share that last week I accepted the position of Director of International Students at a local school and officially started this past week.
To be heading back to start a new school year after EIGHT long and extremely painful and difficult years away brings a wave of emotions with lots of tears.
To be heading back to start a new school year after EIGHT long and extremely painful and difficult years away brings a wave of emotions with lots of tears.
To be at this stage of healing is a gift that leaves me speechless...especially when at one point I had doctors from some of the most well-known medical clinics/hospitals in the world telling me there was no hope for life, let alone that I would never be able to return to a school again.
As I consider this past week and this new adventure, I am reminded of what my dad said to me for these years that I was literally sidelined from life..."these are just new marching orders Rebecca with a purpose and a plan for His glory"...and so as tomorrow starts a new set of marching orders starts with a variety of emotions I remember this simple and profound truth...that in each new set of marching orders the Lord himself is with us and is leading for His glory.
Thank you for rejoicing in this new season, for your continued prayers for me and my health, and for this time. I have received a lot of questions asking if I will be continuing the blog and YES definitely yes! I look forward to continuing to share about our Alaskan Road trip, the cruise that we took in August, and also many more future adventures. Thank you so much for your continued support of this blog and space!
“…a new set of marching orders. That is what always follows loss of any kind—a mother’s loss of her child, a wife’s of her husband, a lover’s of his beloved, a man’s loss of his job, his health, his self-esteem, his home—if only we have ears to hear those orders, eyes to see the gain God intends to bring out of our loss. Even when trouble stops our ears and clouds our vision, He goes on working in secret and perhaps years later reveals what we had not faith to lay hold of.”
There have been many, many, many scary times throughout this journey (including my diagnosis of skin Cancer almost six years ago), but heading into a surgery not knowing what would be found was definitely one of the most scary situations I have faced.
Waking up and hearing the news that it was NOT Cancer was an unbelievable gift that I remain humbly grateful for. As I laid in the hospital bed two years ago on this day I remember thinking how overwhelmed I was at the good news after so many years of hearing a bad health report one time after another.
I was thinking about this a lot today as I took a walk earlier. The last 10 days of this treatment round that I have been doing (and finished yesterday!) have been extremely rough physically and even emotionally as there has been a ton of pain and exhaustion. I was in a store earlier today and cried over frozen blueberry choices... *soft smiles* ... This round was messy and difficult and so on this first day of Spring as I was walking I found myself once again just marveling at the simple beauty of the sun and of miracles that happened in the past.
Remembering the miracles of the past gently reminds me of the miracles in the works that are to come.
These past 730 days have been a beautiful gift that I don't take for granted. Everyday is truly a gift that I treasure. This health journey has continued to remind me to value each moment, love big, and live in grace.
Remembering the miracles of the past gently reminds me of the miracles in the works that are to come.
These past 730 days have been a beautiful gift that I don't take for granted. Everyday is truly a gift that I treasure. This health journey has continued to remind me to value each moment, love big, and live in grace.
To you dear friends who are walking in difficult and dark times my heart breaks for you...may light flood your journey in new ways so the darkness disappears and may Spring bring a refreshing start to a new beginning.
"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight, At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more, When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death, And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
-CS Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia-
"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight, At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more, When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death, And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
-CS Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia-
"The Lord stood at my side and gave me strength."
-2 Timothy 4:17-
I have been staring at my computer screen the last couple of weeks since my doctors appointment out in California in February wondering exactly what to write in this post. I think that I thought that the longer I waited the more brilliant words would come. *smiles* They haven't, and I appreciate your patience in this possibly rambling post.
I took the picture above when I was in Lake Placid last week in the very wee hours of the morning. I was standing on the road- all by myself amidst the beauty and thought- the winding road is ugly and beautiful all in one... there is beauty to be found here in this part of the story and I will fight to find it and hold on to it fearlessly.
As a bit of background... my health since August has struggled due to a variety of reasons (some are extremely personal and I have decided to not go into them in this space and I appreciate your understanding), but two specific ones are because of the accident in August and the other is another failed treatment round for a specific infection that I am still dealing with since 2016. This last part unfortunately causes lots of pain and also has become resistant to different types of treatments, therapies, alternative types of addressing this issue that we have tried. This last issue has wiped my energy from me and I definitely have felt that while we have taken steps forward in healing we have also taken some steps back due to this specific infection.
It's a strange dichotomy because there are so many beautiful healing things that have happened and in many ways slowly and surely I am still moving forward... but this last issue does have to be addressed and dealt with so that the healing foundation that we are building continues to grow and not go backwards.
So... on one hand I am working full time here on the blog and with my shops and as a writer and am applying for some work positions, while on the other hand am a bit stuck in limbo from being able to move fully forward with life in every aspect as I hope to. There is a lot of learning experiences after being sick for so many years on how to balance my energy levels with the realities of things that are "everyday components".
Let me say this- I know that is confusing and before I receive a ton of emails asking for details I am going to ask that instead of questions you just pray. If you have questions please know that while I appreciate them this is one time where I have decided to just lay this out without a ton of explanation for reasons that are quite personal. Thank you for your kind understanding.
It's a strange dichotomy because there are so many beautiful healing things that have happened and in many ways slowly and surely I am still moving forward... but this last issue does have to be addressed and dealt with so that the healing foundation that we are building continues to grow and not go backwards.
So... on one hand I am working full time here on the blog and with my shops and as a writer and am applying for some work positions, while on the other hand am a bit stuck in limbo from being able to move fully forward with life in every aspect as I hope to. There is a lot of learning experiences after being sick for so many years on how to balance my energy levels with the realities of things that are "everyday components".
Let me say this- I know that is confusing and before I receive a ton of emails asking for details I am going to ask that instead of questions you just pray. If you have questions please know that while I appreciate them this is one time where I have decided to just lay this out without a ton of explanation for reasons that are quite personal. Thank you for your kind understanding.
To be frank... it hasn't always perfect - but this time is beautiful in its own raw and real way. There have been lots of tears behind the scenes and a fighting to find the beauty in everyday in new and sacred ways. It is a learning experience on how to balance the beginnings of life along with continued treatment and the not so "exciting" things that I haven't been able to do in years. Hahaha... yes, I did once say that I missed grocery shopping... not so much I have learned. *smiles* But even grocery shopping has been teaching me some intricate parts of healing and life... learning in new ways things that I like and things that I think I "romanticized" along this health journey of getting well...like grocery shopping, wash, household chores, etc.
It probably sounds strange - I still love that I can start doing some of these things but there is also the reality of cleaning the car that is way different than I dreamed from my bed years ago. *smiles* In some ways I struggled deeply with a survivors guilt over this and have been struggling the last several weeks until I had a wonderful and frank conversation with my medical team and my closest loved ones. Their words were beautiful and freeing and a gift as I continue to heal and fight to get my life completely back.
In the midst of this and life I have also been continuing treatment and preparing for this next round. For clarification just because I call it a "treatment round" doesn't mean that I am ever off treatment- these "rounds" are just more intense and are added to the continuous treatment I am on. Years ago I started naming different "rounds" a number as a nickname when there is a SERIOUS and INTENSE push at alternating times. There is NO time off in Lyme world so there is never a break- there is just more times of intense treatment.
I clarify that because someone recently emailed me and told me that if I would "stop traveling and taking time off then I would get better more quickly". Years ago I may have cried at the insensitive comment, but now I sadly smiled. I hope and pray that no one has to ever walk this road that those of us with Lyme have to, but I also hope and pray that there will be better information about Lyme and the reality of treatment in the future.
Most of us, including myself, are desperately trying to pay for treatment, bills, etc. and the way that I do that is through my books, etsy shops (december caravan) and (december lane) , and this blog (which is partially a travel blog). In the midst of all of this, I never stop treatment- I continue it every single day- even when I am traveling. I wish the cure would come quicker... not only for me, but for all of my Lymie friends. Someday... someday I pray someone figures out a cure.
So... treatment #5... This medicine is.... rough. It is difficult. It is scary. It comes with a whole host of side effects that I don't want to think about, and in many ways I wish we could just fast forward the weeks on the calendar till this round is done.
In addition to this new IV med (which will be the main component of this treatment round #7) I have continued with other IV therapies, oral meds, supplements, homeopathic and herbal components, detox therapies, exercise therapy, alternative treatments, etc. I will also be adding in three additional drugs that will hopefully (and prayerfully) go to work on rebuilding while at the same time killing the infection.
It probably sounds strange - I still love that I can start doing some of these things but there is also the reality of cleaning the car that is way different than I dreamed from my bed years ago. *smiles* In some ways I struggled deeply with a survivors guilt over this and have been struggling the last several weeks until I had a wonderful and frank conversation with my medical team and my closest loved ones. Their words were beautiful and freeing and a gift as I continue to heal and fight to get my life completely back.
In the midst of this and life I have also been continuing treatment and preparing for this next round. For clarification just because I call it a "treatment round" doesn't mean that I am ever off treatment- these "rounds" are just more intense and are added to the continuous treatment I am on. Years ago I started naming different "rounds" a number as a nickname when there is a SERIOUS and INTENSE push at alternating times. There is NO time off in Lyme world so there is never a break- there is just more times of intense treatment.
I clarify that because someone recently emailed me and told me that if I would "stop traveling and taking time off then I would get better more quickly". Years ago I may have cried at the insensitive comment, but now I sadly smiled. I hope and pray that no one has to ever walk this road that those of us with Lyme have to, but I also hope and pray that there will be better information about Lyme and the reality of treatment in the future.
Most of us, including myself, are desperately trying to pay for treatment, bills, etc. and the way that I do that is through my books, etsy shops (december caravan) and (december lane) , and this blog (which is partially a travel blog). In the midst of all of this, I never stop treatment- I continue it every single day- even when I am traveling. I wish the cure would come quicker... not only for me, but for all of my Lymie friends. Someday... someday I pray someone figures out a cure.
So... treatment #5... This medicine is.... rough. It is difficult. It is scary. It comes with a whole host of side effects that I don't want to think about, and in many ways I wish we could just fast forward the weeks on the calendar till this round is done.
In addition to this new IV med (which will be the main component of this treatment round #7) I have continued with other IV therapies, oral meds, supplements, homeopathic and herbal components, detox therapies, exercise therapy, alternative treatments, etc. I will also be adding in three additional drugs that will hopefully (and prayerfully) go to work on rebuilding while at the same time killing the infection.
"The Lord stood at my side and gave me strength."
But the truth of the verse above and the verses below shout to my little heart and gives me strength. The Lord is by our side. The Lord is the one who gives us strength for the day. He is the lifter of our heads, our strength in the sorrow, and our joy in our pain. He will carry me each step of the way and show up with grace that I haven't even experienced yet.
Thank you so much for your prayers, your encouragement, your love, your messages, your letters and packages that show up at the most perfect God-timing and your continued prayers on this very long journey. In addition to praying for the start of this treatment round, there are a few additional prayer requests that I have:
(1) For this medicine to work
I admit... I am a bit weary from this incredibly long journey and this will be the third specific round for this one infection and so I am cautiously hopeful about this... the disappointments from the last three rounds have been crushing and a tiring blow so prayers for my heart and for this medicine to work would be greatly appreciated. We are needing this to work... and again... thank you for praying
(2) For prayers for pain.
This treatment round causes lots of pain and I would covet prayers for the removal of this.I admit... I am a bit weary from this incredibly long journey and this will be the third specific round for this one infection and so I am cautiously hopeful about this... the disappointments from the last three rounds have been crushing and a tiring blow so prayers for my heart and for this medicine to work would be greatly appreciated. We are needing this to work... and again... thank you for praying
(2) For prayers for pain.
(3) For Nausea to be relieved and my appetite to return
This treatment round will make me quite sick and my appetite has been completely wiped out and unfortunately is predicted to get a bit worse. I would appreciate prayers for this area.
(4) For prayers for my parents.
In June I will start year SEVEN of being at home with my parents and this long healing journey. They have been soooo incredibly amazing and I well up with tears at all that they have done for me and to help me get my life back. But being a caretaker is hard even under the best of circumstances and it is draining and exhausting and long and tiring. Would you please pray for them, for strength, for grace, for encouragement, for people to walk along side them, for their needs to be met, for their joy, and for their protection and their own health? Thank you so much.
(5) for finances
(5) for finances
This treatment round is ... expensive. It is in the thousands of dollars expensive and that is not even touching all of my the typical meds and supplies that go into everything every month. Thank you for your prayers for this area.
(6) For unspoken prayer requests of the Heart
"In the morning I lay my requests before you and watch expectantly". This verse from Psalm 3 has been on constant repeat the last several months. I am waiting and watching expectantly for different ways that I am confident the Lord will work.
(6) For unspoken prayer requests of the Heart
"In the morning I lay my requests before you and watch expectantly". This verse from Psalm 3 has been on constant repeat the last several months. I am waiting and watching expectantly for different ways that I am confident the Lord will work.
I want to say a special word of thanks to each of you that have checked in on me, loved on me, have sent cards and text messages, sent gifts, provided financial provisions, words of encouragement, and phone calls these last several months and years. So many of you have listened and cried with me, laughed and rejoiced, and have gently and specifically reminded me that the Lord is near. I so appreciate those of you that have moved into this time with love and compassion, not giving space, but gently reminding me that I am not alone in this journey, speaking truth and courage to fears and joyfully praying for the future. Each of you are a gift.
Everyday in this journey with my health has felt like a miracle in so many ways, but today as I ponder the start of this new treatment round tomorrow I sit and marvel a little more and with overwhelming gratitude. God has been so good, just like He has been every single day of this journey. Thank you so much for continuing to be a part of this journey.
"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "the Lord has done great things for them"."
"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "the Lord has done great things for them"."
-Psalm 126:2-
"They may weep as they go out carrying their seed to sow, but they will return with joyful laughter and shouting with gladness as they bring back armloads of blessing and a harvest overflowing!"
"They may weep as they go out carrying their seed to sow, but they will return with joyful laughter and shouting with gladness as they bring back armloads of blessing and a harvest overflowing!"
-Psalm 126:6-
"The people who survived the wars have found favor in the desert... once again I will build you up and you will be rebuilt, my dear people... once again you will take your tambourines and you will go dancing with happy people... once again you will plant."
-Jeremiah 31:2-5-
"The people who survived the wars have found favor in the desert... once again I will build you up and you will be rebuilt, my dear people... once again you will take your tambourines and you will go dancing with happy people... once again you will plant."
-Jeremiah 31:2-5-
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